"Hunting Ground" - rejected Future Shock submission

[Colin_YNWA]

Well submission one finally got knocked back. Tharg's feedback wasn't much to go on (understandably) and so I thought I'd post it here to try to get a little more feedback before submitting the next one which is ready to go.

Any advice gladly received and please be as critical as you like as otherwise I'll never learn.

Anyway enjoy.

[Mike Gloady]

First thing I'd say is actually, surprisingly enough, about the format of your script.  1.5 line spacing is easier to read than single and it tends to be preferred in many environments, it's all about what's easiest for your prospective editor (and ultimately artist and letterer) to read.  I think for the most part your formating is good and clear though, although I'm by no means an authority on these things.  Maybe Jim might know more.

Anyway, I'm reading away now, will make notes and post more later.  Good effort though, I've only read the first page but want to keep reading. 

[Richmond Clements]

Mmmm... here goes- please don't take it personally!

It's good, but not great.
The twist is okay, but it lacks any kind of punch, I think. It also doesn't feel like a pay off for what we've been reading- even though you'd set it up with the natural environment stuff.

[Colin_YNWA]

Mmmm... here goes- please don't take it personally!

It's good, but not great.
The twist is okay, but it lacks any kind of punch, I think. It also doesn't feel like a pay off for what we've been reading- even though you'd set it up with the natural environment stuff.

Yeah that's interesting cos the twist thing was pretty much what Tharg said. I have a list of twists and this was the one I felt I could build the best story around. Maybe I need to review my thinking on that.

Thanks for that good to get honest feedback.

[Mike Gloady]

I'd have to agree.  

When it comes to a future shock, I'd presume they're really hard.  You have to misdirect the audience so they don't see the twist before the last panel.  However, in five/six pages, the reader is essentially "looking" (even if unconsciously) for the twist.  It's tough gig, so I salute anyone who makes even a vague stab at it.

Revision after revision after revision to tighten it up and remove flab can sometimes mean you're unable to actually "read" it as if you're coming to it fresh as your reader will be.  Not brilliant, but not bad by any means.  Keep at it mate, we're all quite happy to offer any assistance we can.  

Keep at it, ok?  Good stuff, but I can see why Tharg didn't pick it up.  Treat it as a learning experience and you'll improve as a result.  

[Richmond Clements]

When it comes to a future shock, I'd presume they're really hard.

Damn right they are! They've been going for so long that coming up with something even approaching original is a bloody impressive feat.

[Colin_YNWA]

Yeah have to say reflecting on this even briefly has been useful the one I had lined up next is going to have the same problem I think. The 'twist' is a little too, if not telegraphed then a reveal rather than a twist.

I need to hack away at my twists list and really try to have an honest appraisal of how useful they are.

Still onwards and upwards.

[Mike Gloady]

Good luck mate, remember your sounding boards here on the.... board.

[locustsofdeath!]

I think the best thing to do for any writers trying to get into the Progs is to maybe approach another writer on the forum for a read-through before sending your script off. There are some really talented people on here, and most seem trustworthy.

When I submitted a script to FutureQuake, his Lordship himself gave me a suggestion or two that really made my script better - and they accepted it. I'd be willing to do this for other writers as well. We're all in this together! When one of us gets published I feel bloody proud.

[Mike Gloady]

Good point, I'm always happy to hear that another boarder has got published, be it the prog/meg, Zarjaz, Dogbreath, Futurequake etc or outside the realm of the Emerald Emperor and his subjects.  A little fire of vicarious pride and happiness starts in my heart and I just know that the person in question hasn't just "been published" - it's the end of one long and difficult road, recognition and the beginning of perhaps an even more difficult road.  I imagine most of us here feel the same.

[Richmond Clements]

When I submitted a script to FutureQuake, his Lordship himself gave me a suggestion or two that really made my script better - and they accepted it. I'd be willing to do this for other writers as well. We're all in this together! When one of us gets published I feel bloody proud.

Thatk you!
Believe me though, if it wasn't worth it, I would have said so!
I've said this before many times, and I'll say it again many times- but to me, that's why we do FQ, MQ, SW and the rest- to give you guys the practice you need to try and get something published that you'll actually get paid for!

[uncle fester]

Listen to His Lordship, for he is wise.